Waking up to the Realization
by Stella Celeste Taylor
Summary: Oneshots, mainly Tiva, but some family and other pairings to come! Rated for swearing. ON HIATUS. Will be marked complete. Only maybe not permanently.
1. Life After Kate

_Anthony DiNozzo_

"I am Ziva David and I can kill you with a spoon." The dark haired woman had said fiercely.

DiNozzo looked at her now, trying to keep his face blank. But damn was she hot, even if her mastery of weapons scared him a little. Ok, a lot, he admitted to himself. But she was _never_ going to take the place of his partner. _Never._

Kate had been popping up, telling him it was okay to move on, okay to open up to the newcomer. But he wasn't ready. God, Kate's body wasn't even cold in the ground yet. It just seemed...wrong. Like he wasn't honoring Kate''s memory enough.

"Damn you Ari!" He yelled miserably, punching a hole in the wall (to match the one next to it{1}) "She had so much to live for! And you murdered her! Bastard! You deserve what you got!"

Shot by his own sister. Shot by Ziva. Poor _poor_ Ziva. Forced by her father to shoot her brother {2}. Tony couldn't even _imagine_ shooting one of his siblings, biological or otherwise.

But it had to weigh her down, every single day. Some days you could tell. Some days (far too many days) one of the emotions mixed in her beautiful brown eyes was guilt. And something deep inside him just wanted to pull her in, comfort her, erase that look in her eyes. Maybe Kate was right. Maybe it _was_ okay to move on sometimes. Not forget (never forget), but move on.

This could be the start of something new. Life was a circle of destruction and rebirth. Maybe, it was time.

_Ziva David_

"Probie, get me some coffee!" The handsome American had said. He was entirely too Arrogant, she had thought at first. And he wouldn't survived in Moussad. She knew he was grieving though. Grieving for his partner, shot through the head by her brother.

Damn him. She had truly thought he was 'one of the good guys'. "How could you do this to me Ari? I trusted you! I would have given anything for my_ brother_. And you _shot_ her! People loved her. She had a _family_! And it was a hell of a lot better than ours!" Ziva screamed, just as miserable as Tony.

She threw her knife against the wall, leaving a mark equal to the others she'd made over the past days. Each marked her anger and devastation. She blinked sudden tears out of her eyes, as the horrible truth sunk in.

She had murdered her brother. She had traded one family that didn't love her to save another family that didn't love her either. But it was the way the others acted around Gibbs that made her wanted to save _him_, not just follow the instructions (no, orders) of her power hungry father.

Director Eli David didn't care about the number of lives lost, or even if the deaths were necessary. He only cared about what he could gain from the confrontations. But _Ziva_ David had wanted to save Gibbs and Tony and McGee and Ducky. Even Abby.

When she walked into NCIS, sometimes she saw a halfway distant look on Tony's face, his lips moving soundlessly. She knew (don't ask how, she just did) that he was seeing and talking to Kate. And she knew how he felt, ever since shed murdered (God she hated that word) Ari.

She'd dreamed of him. Asking why she shot him. It was different for Tony though. She knew he had loved Date, really loved her, not just wanted her. And that hurt more than anything. That she was gone, and poor _poor_ Tony never got to tell her.

When she saw Tony with that half distant look, she just wanted to show her soft side and walk in front of him, hug him like Abby did, reassure him that someone _was _there, even if it wasn't Kate. Maybe she had begun to love him too. He _was_ handsome, and nice, and funny, and it was all too clear he had a sensitive side. So yes, she loved him.

But no matter how bad she wanted to take him in her arms, to say "I'm sorry", she wouldn't. Couldn't. He needed to decide when he was ready to reach out. He didn't love her. He wasn't ready. Not yet anyway.

**One: Covert Affairs references, anyone?**

**Two: Let's just assume he knew this, okay?**

**Please review! I may make this a oneshot series (I have lots of ideas!) but if I do, I won't update it often!**


	2. She didn't just sleep with him

**Well, I **_**said**_** I might update. So here you go! During Shalom. What I think should have happened. (Though I am sure others have done the same as me, I wanted to try.) Short, I know. Please forgive me.**

"Did you or did you not sleep with him?" The man demanded angrily in his deep voice. Ziva didn't answer. She didn't make a sound or move a muscle. She just stood there, glaring at him. There were far more pressing matters at hand. They didn't have time for this sort of useless interrogation. Besides, that son of a bitch had no place asking her that she did at NCIS shouldn't have been any of his concern.

But the little voice at the back of her mind was telling her it was partly because she didn't want to admit that she had slept with him. But also that it hadn't been just a one time deal. Yes, she had proved to Tony that she was a "screamer", but she had also proved (many many times, in many many ways) that she loved him. But she said nothing.

Later, as she sat alone in Gibbs' house, she thought of her relationship with Tony. She remembered how it started. She had thought it strange, but now she found it utterly perfect.

Tony had been saying some stupid thing (as usual). The pair had been alone in the office, and she had walked over, invading his space, getting in his face. Then, too quickly for her brain to process, he bent down just the tiniest bit (like he never had before), and kissed her. And she kissed back. The only thought her hormone saturated brain managed to push out was that he tasted so, _so_, sweet.

When they finally broke apart, both had been gasping for air. But it wasn't awkward, the way it had been after she kissed other men. That night, she just leaned into Tony's chest as his arms wrapped around her. Everything in her world was peaceful then. She'd felt loved, not just wanted. She'd felt cherished and safe. And she knew he'd always be there. So, she decided to call Abby. It was their battle too, because they loved her.

**Damn, that was short. But it is more. I had it prewritten, and I just typed it up tonight. I wanted to post it asap. Sort of like eating more food before you know you're going to starve. Up next (I think): Gibbs reflects on his relationship with Abby.**


	3. Not a Relationship

**So, I updated much much much faster than **_**I **_** expected to. School has started, so i'm busy, but I'm still managing to update. **

Tony and Ziva liked being unattached. Neither of them ever called it a "relationship". They both still classified themselves as "single", when forced to. And they never referred to the other as their "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".

Their relationship had things "real" relationships were still reaching for. They trusted each other completely. They were monogamous. And most importantly, even if they had never said it, they loved each other.

But they never showed it. They didn't give each other cute gifts. They didn't celebrate anniversaries. They didn't hold hands, or walk too close to each other at work. They didn't kiss in the interrogation rooms(1).

They just knew that the other would always be there when they needed each other. They knew that they would always have each other's six.

Ziva remembered the first time she had turned up on Tony's doorstep. It had been late, very late (maybe around 2 am) on a Friday night. It was something close to divine intervention he had been alone. Giant curtains of rain had been sweeping across the sky, creating a melodic thrum-drum on the roof of her car as she had driven to his house, saying "so close, so close, so close". The full yellow moon had been barely visible between the clouds, drenching the world in utter darkness.

She had gotten a call from her father that night, saying some terrible thing or another. Something about her father always seemed to leave her angry or depressed, and that night it was depressed.

Usually she would have suffered silently alone in her bedroom, for she never wanted to let anyone in. But that night she didn't want to be alone. So she drove to Tony's house, not stopping to think he might have a girl there, or that he might not be there at all.

When she knocked on his door, he was jolted out of uneasy sleep instantly. He went to the door, and saw her standing there, still in her cargo pants and NCIS sweatshirt, her face streaked with tears and her beautiful glossy brown curls tangled. Her skin seemed pale, surrounded by all the dark, as she was silhouetted against the yellow light cast by the streetlamp.

And Tony thought she was beautiful.

He had only a second or two to process her appearance before she stumbled across his threshold into his house. She reflexively closed the door behind her, and sagged against it.

Tony didn't think. He just pulled her into his arms, where she curled into his chest. He buried his face in her hair. And he became only the second person ever to see her cry.

That first night it was comfort. But the nights after that, it was different. Sometimes it was passionate sex, plain and simple. Sometimes it was movie watching. Sometimes they just talked. Sometimes he cooked Italian food for her, and other nights she would make him Middle Eastern food. Sometimes it was her house. Sometimes it was his.

But they never called it a relationship.

**# 1 Anyone get the Psych reference?**

**In the next chapter (well, maybe not the very next one, but an upcoming one) I'll explore more of their relationship. But I wanted this one to be short.**


	4. My Other Daugher

**Here is the promised, if much belated, chapter about how Gibbs sees Abby. And let me make it very clear: I don't support Gabby. I sort of see how people can think it might be, but I just don't support it, and won't write it. **

Gibbs stood in the elevator, a grim look on his face. Then again, he always looked like that. But he smiled as he thought of the young woman he had just left. Gibbs didn't like to show weakness. But he had a soft spot for Abby. Hell, he loved her like his own daughter. He wasn't sure when he'd begun to think of her like a daughter. But she had crept into his heart until a day without her was missing something.

Leaving his job was hard. Leaving McGee and DiNozzo and Jen and Ziva and Ducky was even worse. But leaving Abby was like leaving Shannon and Kelly all over gain. Damn close to impossible. He was worried for the members of his team, especially those in the field, but the thought of leaving Abby behind terrified him.

He wasn't sure why. He should have been more worried for Ziva (no, she could damn well take care of herself), and McGee, and DiNozzo. They were the ones being shot at. Abby was safe in her lab. Supposedly (People had tried to kill her before).

She was a big girl. Abby could look after herself as well. She had saved herself from a murder attempt before. But after Shannon and Kelly, he knew he couldn't bear to lose another daughter. This time, it might actually succeed in killing him. It had come pretty damn close last time, but just not close enough.

He had _wanted_ to die. He had thrown himself fully into his work, not allowing himself to _feel_. But when he had gotten home, the tragedy had come crashing down around his ears again, hurting like it had just been yesterday.

And this time, there was no Operation Desert Storm to distract him. There would only be the beach in Mexico and stubborn old Mike Franks. Retirement might be fun (how would he know?) but he knew it wouldn't be diverting.

He had left his "daughter" with an emergency phone number and a hug. But it didn't feel like enough. He had left Shannon and Kelly with a million hugs and kisses and tears. "That was different," his inner voice argued. "They hadn't ever seen him again!" "Then again, they hadn't known that!" part of him protested back.

But Abby _would_ be there when he...no. He had promised to himself that he was never, ever coming back, no matter what. A visit every now and then was one thing. But he would _never_ go back to the US or NCIS, not after that incredibly idiotic waste of life

that had been the Cape Fear.

Gibbs knew it was wrong. He knew he would miss Abby more than anything. But he pushed those feelings to the back of his mind as he had Ducky drive him to the airport, as he watched DC fade into the distance behind him.

He only thought about the fact that Mexico was a place where he could escape all that bureaucratic shit. All the nightmares that had plagued him. The strange flashes of memory that still flooded in from time to time.

It was after he got to Mexico, though, that he began to think of Abby again. He had sworn never to make the same mistake. And leaving Kelly had been the biggest mistake of his life.

His only remaining child. Gone. In the blink of an eye he had left her. Without a second thought. But he wasn't ready to go back. America still held all the bad memories he didn't want to face.

When he got the phone call from Ziva, he realized he had left more than the bad memories behind. It was his family. And so he came back.

**That was way more about Gibbs than Abby, which wasn't how I wanted it to be. But oh well. I still really liked it. Please tell me what **_**you**_** thought in a review? Please?**


	5. What right?

**I'm soo sorry I haven't updated. But anyone who tells you that highs chool is fun and easy like high school musical, is LYING! (Not that I ever believed them anyway). I had planned this to be much longer, but instead I'm writing something short, to be updated soon. Hopefully.**

**This chapter has some um...stronger...language than the previous ones, just as a warning.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except a long list of the Gibbs rules taped on my wall. **

The wall already had two holes in it. But during the months after Gibbs left, it gained a lot more. So many, in fact, that Tony had had to call in a repair man to fix it. Twice. And he was quickly approaching a third.

Every night when he got home from work, and looked at Gibbs' bade on his table, he took out his anger on the wall.

And then, if he had had a _truly_ treacherous day, he would break down and cry. Not that he'd ever tell anyone. He was strong (but not emotionlessly strong like Ziva). He was the one that had to hold Abby up when she fell apart _every single fucking day_!

What right had Gibbs had to leave? Did he even _consider_, for one _single _second, how it might affect the team? Of course not, because Leroy Jethro Gibbs was just so important that the others ought to just _accept_ what he was doing, accept that he was being a damn "important" asshole to all of them.

And they would accept it. Because it was _Gibbs_ and they were all trained to trust his goddamned gut! He was taking advantage of the fact that they'd trust him right up until the end!

But then, all his rage exhausted, Tony would stare at the phone and resist the irresistible urge to call Abby, or Ziva, just so he wouldn't have to be alone. Work was work, and he was their boss, even if they didn't want to admit it.

Besides, he spent so much time holding them up at work (all of them, even McGoo and Palmer and Ducky) that he felt like, why would they even care if he came home at night and fell apart?

Because Gibbs had been as much of a father to him as to Abby or Ziva or McGee. His father had been as much of a fail as Ziva's, as absent as Abby's.

And there was no way in hell, he could ever learn to be a father to them. Ziva would only resent him for it, disrespect him for it, hate him for it. And for Abby, he just couldn't be Gibbs. Yeah, he could love her just as much, but it was more like he was the older brother, trying to fill the absent father's shoes. But who was gonna notice if the same older brother was in his room, sobbing quietly every night/

He just couldn't do it. So what right had he ever had to leave?

**So there's my mini-mini-mini-mini-mini chapter. Please review it anyway, though!**


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